our cab driver is having phone sex.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
