What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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