I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
