ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
