I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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