having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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