Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
