My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
