He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
