I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
