She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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