You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
