Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
