I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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