guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
