break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
