So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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