I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
