I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
