You're my little dorito
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
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