And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
