I would go down on you faster than GM stock
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
