I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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