So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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