my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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