he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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