Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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