Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
