just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
