Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
