She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
