I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
