I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
