One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
