I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
