I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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