I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
