My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
