Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
My life is pants optional.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
