i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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