it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Someone signed my nipple.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
