I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
