The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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