how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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