Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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