i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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