she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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