I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
