wakey wakey hands off snakey
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
