You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
