i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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