All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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