Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
